I have put off writing this post.
Quite frankly, i still don't wanna write it, but i feel like i need to.
And you, Poor Soul, may just wanna skip reading this post! =-)
Friday night, June 25th, my Daddy called me with the "pretense" of would i please go get a thermometer for him from the drug store. He thinks he "might be running a bit of fever..."
Long story short, i took him to the E.R. around 10:30 that night. We didn't get out of there until 7 (or so) a.m. the next morning! ... But that was only to move upstairs where they admitted him to the Neurosciences department.
He stayed there until Thursday, July 1st, when they took him downstairs for a second operation inside his skull. They didn't drain as much fluid off his brain as the first time, but he seems to be doing much better this time.
And they let him go home on Saturday, July 3rd. He's taking it easy (again), and seems to be doing well.
He doesn't always listen to his body, but his body language seems to be telling me that he's doing better this time. He doesn't seem as "fuzzy-brained" as he was earlier this week, either. I think he's doing alright.
Originally, i was so depressed on June 29th when they told us he'd need another operation. And my older sister said, "Imagine how HE feels!"
But he honestly seems to be doing better now.
I am so thankful.
But somewhere in there, (July 2nd, to be exact), someone very-near-and-dear told me she was molested in Fourth grade by a teacher!
A Teacher!!!
Not a "regular" teacher, but someone who just came once a week or so to help out the teacher. A male. And this someone near-and-dear is a female.
I
was
devastated.
Where was i?
Where was i when this was happening?
Why wasn't i there?!?
And why didn't i notice "a change" in this person?!
Why didn't i "know" that something had happened?!
Why didn't i notice any "tell-tale signs"?!?
I am *extremely* close to this person!!! Why didn't i "sense" something?!?
Fourth grade was eight years ago for her...
So this is "nothing new" for her.
But for ME?
For me, this is new.
So it's on my mind a lot!
And it brings up *my* past...
She said she thinks it's about then that she stopped wearing dresses.
Which made me think... "...it's about then that *I* stopped wearing dresses..."
Why didn't i ever put that together before?
...which has me thinking about other "coincidents"...
So, is this why i've never really gotten close to anybody? Boyfriend is my very best friend. I honestly have no other "best friends". Never have.
Is it because that trust was shattered for me as a little girl?
Is "He" the reason that i don't form close bonds with people?
The only close bonds i have are with my husband (though he DOES wish i'd talk more [imagine that!]), my daughters, and... Well... that's about it.
That's my little "inner circle".
I've always been "private". "Hard to get to know" was the way one person described me...
Don't let me mislead you.
Though *her* deal is new to me, *my* deal is not.
I forgave "Him" a long time ago.
I decided to forgive and move forward.
I didn't dwell on it. I never told anybody about "that one time".
Except Boyfriend. I told him a long time ago, but i never mentioned it again 'cause i forgave and moved on. Boyfriend's probably forgotten about it, to be honest. And i'm also betting "He" also forgot about it...
It was a long time ago.
But now...?
Now i am thinking about the "coincidences" that may have come along from "that one time long ago". How has it really affected me?
How would i be different if "that one time" had never happened?!?
Would i be more personable?
Would i have more true friends?
Would i be more talkative and open and "vulnerable" with others?
The past is done, but it's how it affects us, how it makes us who we are, that concerns me right now.
If you've read this far...
Are you crazy?!?! ;-)
Or are you just bored by your day so you're looking in on mine.
Whatever your reason,
thank you.
Thank you for listening.
Comments welcomed. Honestly.
'Cause i'm sitting over here in my little world with my own thoughts, and i'd seriously appreciate a couple of your thoughts. Constructive or negative, whatever.
You know... When i was younger and decided to forgive "Him", it didn't really occur to me at the time that there was more to it than that. I just thought it was best to be able to forgive "Him". And i thought that if i forgave, then i would be able to move on, and hopefully one day, to forget.
...that didn't exactly happen.
And now this has happened to someone i love and care about.
Does everything really need to perpetuate?!
Is there a way i can help Her? Not exactly "learn from my mistakes", but... Something?!?!
Right now, she doesn't want to talk about it.
But she IS willing to go to a therapist to talk about it.
I am thankful for that!
Hopefully, next time i'll have something much lighter to talk about!
=-)
(Before)
(After)
You are so brave. I am so unbelievably proud of you at this moment for letting yourself be so open and vulnerable about something so personal. If I could run over and give you a big bear hug, I absolutely would. What brought tears to my eyes wasn't so much the devastation of what happened to you and to your "close friend" (who I hope to God wasn't your daughter, but I kind of suspect is based on the age math), but the fact that, after all these years you've not just managed to forgive *Him*, but you're capable of digging up that hurt and living to tell the tale with forgiveness and closure in your voice. Wendy, you are amazing. Your courage and ability to forgive give me hope.
ReplyDeleteI can't reiterate how proud I am of you. Just beaming. :-)
I had something bad change my life when i was fifteen.....I understand...it makes you who you are and the other person is gone. I think who you become doesnt all have to be bad though, just different. Hang in there girl....it sounds like a rough time but things will get better.....
ReplyDeleteWords fail me. Your words were poignant, strong and so full of feeling. I'm so sorry. For both of you. I'm so proud of you, too.
ReplyDeleteFirst, stop giving 'him' a capital h! Second, your life, while you see things that may have been a result of this incident, is an inspiration to this special person close to you... that this can happen and it can be a piece of your life but it CAN be dealt with and does not need to be haunting you every day. So sorry....
ReplyDeleteGood for you for being concerned enough about someone else to offer thoughts about it!
ReplyDeleteThat said, having been treated crappily by some pathetic asshat in your past surely affected who you are - you have more appreciation for what others may go through, and have figured out that you can take a licking and keep on ticking.
As for the rest, talking with a professional counselor (as opposed to some poppsych crackpot who thinks they fit the bill cuz they watch a lot of Oprah) isn't a bad thing. But I wouldn't feel like you need to dismantle your personality over it. Everybody differs on how they interact with life, and a lot of people will tell you you have something wrong with you just because you don't behave or respond the way they do. They're idiots. You may not be as all-over-the-place-open as some people, but people like that can tire me out. I would trust you to keep a confidence, and to think before you speak way more than some really gregarious people.
BTW, sending your Dad more Feelbetters!
ReplyDeleteWow - a lot of stuff in this post. First - glad your Dad is on the road to recovery!
ReplyDeleteSecond - the girl who was molested - in 4th grade - DEFINITELY should see a therapist. She was a victim in an awful crime. She might grow up blaming herself.
Third - YOU should see a therapist and work out some of your feelings. It feels like you have a lot of stuff about your experience that you need to work out. I think you will feel "freer" and maybe open up to more people and love yourself for who you are.
I hope all goes well for you and your family. I wishing you only the best! :)
The only thing that I can say is that people who are victimized must remember that it was not their fault and that the person who acted against them was a criminal. Not everyone can put the past behind them, but it seems that it is neccessary in these situations.
ReplyDeleteWow! This was incredibly brave of you to post and I hope that it was cathartic for you. Please know that you are not alone. This is my first visit to your blog today and I'm so glad I found it. You're in my thoughts and prayers and so is your friend.
ReplyDelete