Make It Work

You may not want to read this post.
It's looong and full of tears.
And probably boring to you.
But i need to "talk" this out.
I haven't allowed myself to talk about it with anyone yet, and i just gotta "let it out" now.
You can simply come back tomorrow for your Quote of the Day thing, k?

Or continue if you wanna try it.
But don't say i didn't warn ya!
=-)

Bunny, Nov. 1989

I knew on this day that one day she would move out and start her own life... 

  

My little sister, Z (on the right), stealing her cookie.

She's so precious!  And typically happy... just because!

I curled her hair for this photoshoot.

She hated it, but let me do it anyway.

She was a little bit of a tomboy when she was young...

Precious AND sweet!

Boyfriend nailed it when he said

"She has the heart of an Angel."

I have a TON of photos i could show you...

But i'll only cry, and you'll be bored and uncomfortable, so...

Here she is at Thirteen

Here we are when she turned Fourteen.

She's been by my side for so long...

At Fifteen

After she had her wisdom teeth taken out

Seventeen

Out in Nature, where she loves to be.

High School Graduation, 2008

I knew then that it probably wouldn't be long, but i stayed in Denial...

It's safe in Denial...

For a while, anyway.

But sooner or later, Reality comes crashing down on you.

At the age of almost 22, Bunny moved out this past Saturday (October 1st).

I haven't allowed myself to cry...

Until now.

I've forced myself to only look at it from Her point of view.

She's been so excited!  It's a brand new Adventure for her!

She moved into an apartment 30 minutes away, with her boyfriend. 

She's never moved before (that she remembers).

Everything went smoothly.  Nothing got broken.

She texted me last night that all the boxes are unpacked now, and they're almost ready to start hanging stuff on the walls.

She's so Happy.

=-)

So now here i sit with my own feelings.

It seems like she's always been there with me.

She was my First Baby.

She is always so loving and kind and understanding and sweet.

And she gives the Best Hugs in the World!!!

I know it's not like she's dead.  I'm not saying that at all!

I know it's not like she's moved to California or Japan or someplace (as far away from me as she can).

But she's not Here anymore.

I can't just go upstairs and chat with her or hug her if i want.

Because before, when she *was* here, she would stop what she was doing if i wanted a hug.

Yep, she spoiled me as much as i spoiled her.  =-)

She's still spoiling me by texting me every day...  And by answering her phone when i call.

I know it's early yet, but at least i still feel the love.

I moved out of my Mom's the day after i graduated High School.

I honestly don't remember moving out; i've blocked it out.  I was so angry and upset with my Mom.  And hurt by her.  It took me a couple of years to forgive her! 

But this move is so different.  I can't even compare them.

I know Bunny's just a phone call away, or a short drive away.

But i miss her SO MUCH already!

And i know things will never be the same.

I know deep down that each day when we wake up, things are never the same.  But this is different.

It's a "New Era" in my life.

And i'm honestly not ready for it.

Oh, i knew it was coming!  I  knew the day she was born that this day would come.  If only i had  written myself a note on that day to remind myself  what life was like before children.  What did Boyfriend and i do with our time?  What did we do as a couple?

I know i can never "go back".  But now i have to "invent" a new reality for myself.

I just never imagined a Reality without a Bunny in it on a daily basis.

And i am so sad.

I  know i still have Kitty!

And i'm *trying* to be positive in all this.

Now Kitty has me and her Daddy all to herself!  I guess i'm just not sure that's a good thing in her eyes...  She's pretty independent, ya know.  She's pretty self-sufficient.

And one day, she'll "betray" me too.

I know it's coming.

I guess that's what's also bothering me.

I knew from the start that they would leave the nest.

I just never thought about what i would do with myself when that time came.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself!

I need to let go.

I need to look at it from Her point of view only.

She is so Happy!

She is in a new phase in her life.

(And subsequently, so am i.)

Embrace it Wendy.

Embrace it.

Relish in her accomplishments!

There are neighbors who've lived in my subdivision as long as i have, with children around my daughters' ages, and their children have not made this transition.  I am at least thankful that my daughters are confident enough to spread their wings and go out into this vast World and 

LIVE!

I hope and pray that they live it to their FULLEST!

=-)

Don't come back little bird, regardless of my feelings of loss.

Don't come back.

Go out there and Dream your Dreams!

Live your Life as fully as you possibly can!

Do that for me and i'll be happy.

=-)

I've Been Saying It All My Life

I've been saying 'I don't know' all of my life.
When I was young, I said it a lot, and I think it was usually because I didn't really want to say what was on my mind, or because I didn't want to say what I really felt, or because my answer wasn't the answer someone wanted to hear.

Well, I'm still saying I don't know. And I guess it's for a lot of the same reasons.
But I'm trying not to say it so much. I'm trying to tell people what I really think and feel. It's not so difficult anymore. We age and grow and learn and become more comfortable with who and what we are, I guess. And we gain in confidence. I am so much more confident now than I was in my twenties and thirties.
Thankfully! :-)


Anyway...


We still have some residual snow in shady spots, and school was delayed for two hours today. It really messes people up for some reason. I'm so surprised at the number of people who cannot figure out what "two-hour delay" means! Come on people! If you usually catch the bus at 6:55am, then just count two hours up and figure out that you will need to catch the bus at 8:55am this morning! It's not like it's rocket science!
And I'm supposed to be the one who's confused by numbers! Sheesh!

But, all in all, it was another good day. :-)
And I got a major surprise today.
I came home for a "short" lunch (which isn't really short in the first place; it's just that today's was shorter than usual), and Bunny (my oldest daughter) came downstairs and hung out with me for a little bit.
I jokingly asked her if she'd like to ride the bus with me this afternoon, and

she

said

"Yes."!!!!!

I couldn't believe it!

So, of course, I took her up on it! :-)

I showed Bunny off to my co-workers, and then we left on my route. The kids loved her. Everybody usually does. Everybody always has. It's almost odd how strangers like her instantly...

Anyway, I got some much-needed time with my oldest. Now that she's finished with high school, I really don't see her that often. Her schedule is different from mine, and she's always flitting off with her friends if she isn't asleep. :-)

It was really good to be with her most of the afternoon, even if it wasn't totally one-on-one.

Thank you Bunny. You are my heart, you and your sister. I love you both so much.

I'm changing the subject before I get all mushy and start tearing up. :-)

Actually, I think I'll go work on my quilt backing, which is shaping up fairly nicely if I do say so myself.

Peace